CENTRAL/WEST

Guests talk death at Germantown dinner party

Kirsten Clark
@kirstenlmclark
  • A dinner party encouraged guests to talk about death with loved ones.
  • About 90 percent of Americans say they want to discuss end-of-life care with loved ones.
  • Only 30 percent of Americans actually have those conversations%2C according to The Conversation Project.

It wasn't the typical dinner party small talk.

Glowing candles lined the wooden table as the roughly 15 dinner guests — most of whom did not previously know one another — hovered over plates piled with dijon-honey-glazed pork loin and macaroni and cheese.

"So," one guest, between bites, directed across the table. "Have you had any experiences with death?"

Instead of quips about the weather or current events, diners collectively discussed end-of-life wishes and the taboos of death during a dinner party that host Justin Magnuson, a 38-year-old massage therapist from Germantown, aptly called, "Let's Have Dinner and Talk About Death."

The event, which took place Wednesday night at Eiderdown restaurant, was part of a week-long initiative through The Conversation Project to encourage people to have conversations about death before "the 11th hour, in the hallway at Baptist (Hospital) East," as dinner guest and chaplain the Rev. Georgine Buckwalter put it.

Discussions about death, especially with loved ones, are a "delicate dance," she said during the dinner.

Since its launch in 2012, public campaign The Conversation Project has provided more than 150,000 individuals worldwide with information about approaching the topic of death.

Guests were old and young, in varied lines of work — among them, university faculty, clergy, psychologists and a puppeteer — but all were "stakeholders" in the topic of death who could bring the conversation to other people, Magnuson said.

The idea for the dinner was a couple years in the making, said Magnuson, who both has a master's degree in communication and volunteers in hospice care.

He had hosted similar events — called "Death Cafes," a less structured conversation for anyone wanting to share stories or voice ideas about dying — but never a dinner through The Conversation Project, which "is much more focused on directing people to discuss their end-of-life wishes with someone who can honor those wishes," Magnuson said.

"Not having conversations can lead to really traumatic quality-of-life issues for both the patient ... and their families, both during the sickness and following the death," he said.

People tend to distance themselves from the topic, he said, because it's uncomfortable. When they actually do talk about death, it's usually pragmatic, he said, and avoids what he called a person's "values," how someone wants to die.

Magnuson said before his grandmother's death, she had a very "intuitive" conversation with her grandson, who was also her health surrogate and power of attorney — where the check book was, where the deed to the house was.

"In retrospect, I wish I would have had values about what medical care she would like and if she was going to die, what situation she would want to be in," he said. "That's one of my regrets."

That practical information is important to have, he said, but so are value-based discussions.

Dinner guest Margaret Pederson, 93, a retired hospital social worker, said she had seen many people struggle during health crises because the family had never talked about end-of-life care beforehand.

Although she hopes the conversation about death can move beyond the dinner group and into the general public, she said it was reassuring to share a meal with others who care about the subject.

"I was encouraged by the number of people who are concerned with this same issue — that we need to have family discussions about this taboo subject of death in order to have better experiences about death," she said.

Reporter Kirsten Clark can be reached at (502) 582-4144 or on Twitter at @kirstenlmclark.

TALKING ABOUT DEATH AND DYING

For information about how to talk about death with loved ones, or for more information about The Conversation Project go to theconversationproject.org.